When will your toddler say they have to pee in the potty? And what if it's been a long time, and your toddler still won't cue to the potty?
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I decided this post's theme should be "don't worry about when your toddler will say they have to pee. I've got your back with the details."
Because there's a lot of pseudo-wisdom on self-initiated potty use out there —
And I've got some thoughts. 🤓
First, let's check in on expectations for self-initiation to pee in the potty.
Because I hear parents on both sides of the potty pendulum.
Parents who think their 2-year-old should be saying some version of "I have to go pee" on Day Three of potty training. (Survey says, buzz. Expectation too HIGH ⬆️)
And the other side of the potty pendulum goes like this...
Parents who have gotten caught in a cycle of prompting their toddler to pee EVERY single time as the norm. Because what if they miss a prompt? Then they expect accidents.
And this isn't when potty training started days ago. As a potty training consultant, I'm hearing from my clients who have been in this prompting-spree cycle for months. (Survey says, buzz. Expectation too LOW ⬇️)
What is a realistic expectation for when your child will say they have to go pee in the potty?
Consistent self-initiation is Block 5 of Oh Crap Potty Training. Let's get this show on the road. But how?
And when will your toddler say they have to pee in the potty?
The typical pattern I've seen as a potty training consultant — and what Jamie shares in Oh Crap Potty Training — is about 3 - 8 weeks from your potty training start. (Meaning when those diapers or pull-ups come off.)
Okay, now that we're on the same page with timing, is it a matter of waiting for self-initiation to happen?
....If your toddler won't cue to the potty, nbd, nothing to do here. Just wait and it will happen?
Yes and no.
You can help bring on self-initiated potty use — to help your child take it on faster.
Or if you're past the 6-week-mark from when you started potty training, you'll want to look at why self-initiation hasn't kicked in. Check in on how you're prompting and change up the language you're using.
If you're months into potty training, you'll want to change up the flow of helping your toddler to the potty. The idea is to spark that autonomy of your child cueing to pee in the potty. You definitely want to see that part of the learning process in potty training come in by that point.
Remember that self-initiation to pee in the potty is Block 5 of the learning process in Oh Crap Potty Training.
So where can you start to help this part of learning to use the potty?
First, you want to drop language that is not working well for you to spark self-initiation to peeing in the potty.
Does anything below sound familiar?
Toddler won't cue to the potty? Here's what NOT to say when you're prompting your child to pee in the potty:
Time to pee in the potty.
Why isn't this effective? You're putting your flag in the sand. Deciding when it's time for your child to go to the potty. So they learn that they don't have to think about it.
Come, let's go potty.
Why isn't this effective? You're taking on deciding the when and just directing your child to follow your lead. And this prompt isn't specific enough...what does go potty even mean? It could mean go and sit, or go and try. And you're still not seeing pee go in the potty. We're looking for walk over, sit, and pee in the potty.
After you pee in the potty, you can play outside.
Why isn't this effective? This sets up the activity like a reward. You shouldn't be stuck in a rhythm of bribing your child to pee before the fun starts. Instead set up a sequence.
Avoid those prompts when your child isn't telling you when they need to go pee in the potty.
Those reminders to pee in the potty put you in the driver's seat of deciding it's time to go pee in the potty.
And THAT can affect self-initiation when your toddler isn't really in charge of anything (except peeing).
What can you say instead?
Sometimes the tiniest details are titanic.
And that is why I love using a style prompt that breaks the process of peeing in the potty into multiple parts or tasks. It's the perfect prompt to spark self-initiation.
You take ownership of SOME of the jobs. And you pass on some jobs to your toddler. Clearly, with your language.
You want to help along self-initiation, when you the parent feel like you're doing all the work.
You do the prompting.
You bring your child to the potty (you might even be carrying your toddler to the potty.)
You handle getting the pants down (and then get your toddler dressed again.)
You do everything except the actual peeing. Yikes!
When you're feeling like you're doing all the things, that's when you want to change the flow.
And change up HOW you're prompting your child to pee in the potty.
I'm pumped for you to try this. But first, know that you haven’t done anything wrong, pinky swear. Some kids lag on self-initiation. And then it's simply on you to shake things up so your child starts to take this skill on.
Again, remember that timeline: Self initiation usually comes in about 3-6 weeks into the process. So if you're days into potty training, don't sweat it if you're doing all the prompting.
If you're weeks or more into potty training, here's how to break down prompting to spark self-initiation faster.
Keep in mind, you did do all the thinking and held all the responsibility just a short while ago. Your child didn’t have to do too much besides pee and poop. You took care of the rest when you started potty training your toddler.
So, it’s understandable that some toddlers stay stuck in this follow-the-parent zone.
Here's how to get your child to self-initiate peeing in the potty...
First, break down the process for peeing in the potty:
having the feeling to pee
the physical move to the potty
sitting
releasing pee
wiping (for girls)
getting up
pants pull up
Next: be aware and vocal about the specific steps and which ones you are doing and which ones you can hand to your toddler. In Oh Crap Potty Training we call this the Breaking Down the Minutia prompt. And it goes something like this...
I can see you need to pee in the potty.
You walk to the potty. I'll help with pants.
You flush the potty. I'll help with soap.
Teamwork is the dreamwork, yeah? And in this potty training prompt, you're breaking it down for your child.
This part is YOUR job. This part is YOUR CHILD'S job.
And guess what happens over time?
Your toddler inevitably wants to take on your job. You know, much like toddlers like to eat the beans right off our plate.
Now, you don't have to break it down exactly that way! The point is you're dividing up the jobs and labeling some as your jobs and passing some jobs onto your child.
How should you divide up the steps to go pee in the potty?
It's best to start with taking on the jobs that your child currently isn't doing or parts of the process that your child is resisting. Like the pants! Many times toddlers will be toddlers and want you to do their pants.
That's even after they've conquered how to get the pants down.
Don't sweat it. Put it under your task list for now.
Sometimes it's the simple act of leaning in and taking on a don't-want-to-do-skill that suddenly flips the child over to wanting to do it just like you.
I remember when my preschooler was 4-years-old and adamant that they would NOT put on their coat in the morning. After multiple drama-filled mornings of reminding her about the Montessori coat flip I knew she could do, offering options, after doing all the things to try and get my child to put the puffy winter coat on before stepping into the Maine winter chill...
I just leaned in with a simple....
I'll help you with your coat.
And wouldn't you know, before the week was out, she was back on doing her coat by herself. (I also learned this is a developmental thing that parents see come up in four-year-olds.)
I don't know about you, but I always felt like toddlers will hold out for you to drop your end of the stick and then they'll happily jump up to do the thing that caused all the drama.
So watch what you're saying. Consider how you're reacting.
You also want to be mindful of HOW you're saying your prompts. Because you could take this divide-and-conquer prompt and roll it out with that high-pitched-encouraging-voice to find it does nothing except spark further potty power battles.
Your tone matters in prompting your toddler to pee in the potty. If we're expecting the child to self-initiate peeing in the potty, you want to use a tone of voice that delivers confidence and sends the message that you feel your child is capable.
You want to use a tone that's not talking down to the child. Simply a regulated voice you'd use with anyone else. Lose the baby voice if that's your go-to tone for prompting.
Another tool to help spark self-initiation is looking to break down other everyday tasks into parts (and putting your toddler in charge of some parts). Routines like...brushing teeth, taking a bath, and getting dressed.
Because the more you spark autonomy in other tasks at home, the more it helps self-initiation to go pee in the potty.
Here's a book list of a few favorite picture books that lean in on breaking down jobs into simple parts:
I've Got To Go: This picture book focuses on self-initiating to pee in the potty (the theme of this blog post!) so, of course, it's the crown jewel for the book list. A librarian tipped me off to this book years ago, and I've loved it ever since.
How To Brush Your Teeth With Snappy Croc: Another everyday task that seems to spark power battles is brushing teeth. This book breaks it down in a fun way, where the child teaches her crocodile how to do it right.
Bathtime For Little Rabbit: Most toddler parents go through a hard stage with bathtime where their toddler is not a fan. While it won't solve all bathtime meltdowns, labeling the parts of the process and giving your child more control can help. This sweet picture book has the child help the rabbit (even through some tears when water gets on his face.)
I Can Do It: The title says it all, and that's really what we want to spark in the toddler for self-initiated potty use. That I Can Do It mentality. When will your toddler say they have to pee in the potty has A LOT to do with when your toddler feels in control of getting dressed. This interactive picture book has all the parts to practice learning how to button, zip, tie, snap, and more.
Now that you've got your expectations in check for when your child will say they have to pee in the potty, how about when your child will be able to take over breakfast-making duties?
As a mama to tweens, I can say that is something to look forward to when your kid can make the pancakes or bake a loaf of sourdough bread start-to-finish. (It all starts with that kitchen-prep foundation when they're toddlers.)
Cue the proud parent moment coming your way.
